


The Body is a Tool

by QueenOfALotOfDifferentWorlds



Series: Character Studies [2]
Category: Cass Pirk Novels
Genre: Cass is broken, Cass learns to trust him, Comfort, Hurt and comfort, Implied Child Abuse, Mentioning of Abuse, Takumi is a brilliant friend, Takumi is so fed up, but he wants to help so badly, he would die for his Queen, mentioning of torture, this takes part during Throne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 08:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18220610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfALotOfDifferentWorlds/pseuds/QueenOfALotOfDifferentWorlds
Summary: Takumi knew that his Queen had a hell of a life. Everyone who spend more than five minutes with her saw all the scars on her, but the ones he is most concerned with are those scars and festering wounds in her soul.





	The Body is a Tool

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Norelica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Norelica/gifts).



"Without you, we won’t survive two days. You must take care of yourself." That had been the words of my Queen to me this morning. Her violet eyes had shone bright with truth and trust, something I was sure she would not acknowledge just yet. In truth, I could not be sure she knew about that trust.

Before that, she had ordered bedrest for myself using my words against me. I would have liked to curse my principals. Regardless, I would not lie and I would never lie to my Queen.

Being of service to the Queen had proven to be an exercise in an interesting use of my abilities and magic. The fact that Cass appeared to find new ways of injuring herself rather horrifically was only one of the concerning matters.

Lightly, I tapped on one of the books I had spread across the bed I sat on to read. In contrast to some other patient I could have thought of, I actually did what was best for my body most of the time. Even if it was an inconvenience. That was the second most concerning matter regarding our Queen.

I was torn from my contemplations by the rhythmic knocking on my door. “Come in.”

Cass stepped into the room, and without a doubt I knew her mindset was in a troubling state. She held her body like a warrior ready to spring into action at any second. Her face was a broken mask, hiding most but giving hints as to how disturbed she was. Not in the way she seemed to have been broken over the course of her life time and time again. Her companions, although still ununited, would protect the Queen and I could not see any of them serve punishments I knew Cass had endured over the course of her life. Something had happened.

The other thing I observed was the way she treated her injured hand.

"It seems I am the only one honouring our deal." I tried for a factual tone but could not quiet succeed. Adrenaline surged through my veins and activated my blood pressure. I wanted to grab and shake her. I wanted to _make her understand_. She had to perceive that she was important. Her person and her body were significant.

"I didn’t do any handstands and didn’t use it the whole day," Cass answered flippantly, letting the paper she carried in her uninjured hand fall on my bed and sat down beside it. Cass was very much still a mystery to me in some aspects, but I could read her pain like an open book. It was in stark contrast to Cass herself, who didn’t even seem to know that pain should never be constant. Feeling pain was not the norm and should never be treated lightly.

"And I am sure it was not your own merit." I had not meant to let those words slip. Since yesterday, it was harder for me to stop myself, to keep myself and those words that I knew could cause so much harm in check. No matter my personal wishes, I served the Queen and she needed to be tended like a splintered vase. She needed careful consideration and no pressure at all.

"The body is a tool."

My breath stopped in my throat. The single reason I did not do something indignant was her reaction. Still, I could not deny the icy shower that rushed down my spine and chilled me to my core.

Cass eyes widened and she swayed slightly. Obviously, she had quoted someone and had even used that person’s tone of voice. Flat and cruel. Her breathing failed, and it took more of my control than I would have cared to admit to not react in anyway. Her inner turmoil screamed through the violet of her eyes that probably saw scenes from her past that no one should have to live through even once.

Minutes later she blinked and I saw her return to the present. Only now I allowed myself to move. Psychology had not been part of my studies, but I tried to make up for lost time. What I did know was that she would probably react violently if she was startled when she saw her past, so it was better to wait for her to come back on her own. However long it took. However cruel and painful it was to stand by and watch her suffer.

"Maybe, but it is also the temple of your being. It deserves respect and care." I forced my voice to only betray compassion and calm. My nerves were strung so high I could practically feel them vibrate while I sat there, looking at an incredible kind person knowing that there was no logic that could explain that. These words were the bare minimum of what I wanted to tell her. I knew if I had not said them I would have choked on them. As a healer, I did not like to take lives, but I would feel great pleasure in killing whoever had taught Cass those belittling lies, torturing her into believing them.

"Every body carries the story of their lives." Exceedingly careful, I closed the book in my lap and placed it on the pile next to me. I needed to stay in control. Cass needed serenity right now. Not a healer that forgot himself because he felt protective of his charge.

“A healer learns to read it." I found her eyes and held them. My next words would hurt her, I knew. This whole conversation would hurt her. As a healer, I knew that sometimes you have to cut open a wound before you can heal it. It did not change the fact that I already hurt because I had to reopen festering wounds in her soul that probably bled since she was able to grasp reality around her.

"Your body shows a story I would not wish for anyone."

Cass averted her eyes. Her body shook with small tremors, and the way she bit down on her lip, made me wait for her to draw blood.

Deliberately, I employed movements that would move the mattress while standing up to let Cass know what happened around her. In these situations, she reminded me of a frightened dear. She could storm into a life or death situation without so much as stop eating her breakfast, but everything concerning emotions frightened her worse than any hell ever could.

My motions were reflective and slow while I sat down beside her and placed my hand on her forearm. She did not retreat, nor did she show any signs of discomfort. It took me a moment to gather my courage. This conversation had to happen.

"No matter what you were taught, it was all a lie." When she did not react, I squeezed her arm lightly. Even if I had been as free with physical affection as Leander was, I could not be sure that would be wanted by her in this instance. Still, I wished I could do something less harmful.

"Do you think I'm not aware of that?" She glared at my angrily. There was defiance in that pain. It always surprised me how much power and light were in those shattered eyes. That light was nothing like a flickering flame or the soothing shine of the moon. There were violet suns in the Queens eyes, burning with hundreds of explosions. A destructive force that was able to aid life.

"That is not my point." I let go of her and stood up. It was cowardice, plain and simple. I was not able to look at her while saying what had to be said. Hurting her was inevitable, but even so I could not look at what harm I would cause her.

"You treat your body like an enemy, like a disobedient tool." I walked slowly to my desk, grabbing at all strands of courage that I could find in me. "I have seen your scars and how little attention you give to your injuries and pain.” I heard my grief bleeding in those words. I felt my face contort in an expression I had hidden every time I had seen her scarred body and listened to proofs of her granular soul. Preparing myself for what was to come, I turned.

"It scares me, my Queen."

Cass stared at me in shock, able to see my emotions clearly. Tears formed in the corner of her eyes, and I turned away. I would argue that the proud fighter she was would not appreciate that someone observed what she would consider weakness. That was quiet possibly the truth and also not the reason I turned away. I worked noiselessly while listening to every wrecked breath and every quiet sob.

The fierce pain in my chest was only almost bearable. Torn between pleading for forgiveness and comforting her, I kept working on an ointment. The hot tickles of tears on my face were testimony to how much I cared for that girl that had been bestowed one of the greatest honours one could imagine in this world. I guessed that feeling could not be any more intensive if she actually was my little sister.

I heard movement behind me of skin being rubbed, and I used that chance to clean my face as well. Listening to the calming breathing and making sure I was actually able to be of use to her, I turned, carrying a tray to her with what I had just prepared. Forcing the serenity back on my expression nearly caused me physical pain, which I would gladly accept as punishment for what I had done.

I sat down next to her and she held out her hand without a word. Whatever she still might tell herself, she had begun to trust at least Leander, Amalia and myself. She gave even more evidence of that fact when she drank the pain reliever without a question.

The disgust on her face regarding the unpleasant taste brought a smile to my lips. She reciprocated with a twitch of her own.

“It will relieve the pain and help you sleep." 

She nodded to that, as if she did not care. “Thank you.”

There was a new tone in her voice. Something small and vulnerable, with just a trace of hope, if I was not mistaken.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift to my brilliant Anna. Thank you Love for sticking with me!


End file.
